Dear Therapist: I just filed for divorce from someone I’m pretty sure is a Narcissist. I don’t want to continually burden my friends with my feelings but I am struggling. What can I do to get through this process?

Dear Distraught in Divorce: I’m sorry you’re going through this. You’re not alone. I can’t diagnose your ex, but we can talk about behavior patterns. Specifically, because a divorce is a threat situation – threats to finances, ego, self-image, access to children, control over you – how do they respond to feeling threatened?

If they have narcissistic tendencies, feeling threatened can activate a charm offensive, intended to manipulate you into giving them their way. It can also activate ‘DARVO’. DARVO stands for ‘deny’, ‘attack’ and ‘reverse victim and offender.’ For example, if you try to hold your ex accountable for alcohol abuse when they are with the kids, they might deny it altogether and then turn it around and call YOU the alcoholic, threatening to take custody away from you or turn the children against you. They might make themselves the victim, say that you are ruining their life with your drama and threaten to make sure everyone knows that you’re crazy and unstable.

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The DARVO behavioral pattern can make you feel powerless, in a bind with no good options. You can choose to never fight or challenge your ex on anything, which is not always going to be possible in the context of divorce. Or, you can try to hold them accountable and be faced with false accusations, denial and threats.

You do, however, have power. Your power lies first in accepting that the way your ex responds to feeling threatened has nothing to do with you personally and that you can’t control their threat response behaviors. It is just their operating system. With this acceptance, you liberate yourself from existing as a pawn within their pattern and access your own power to act from a place of clarity and self-respect.

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Acting from clarity and self-respect can include recognizing their charm offensive for what it is and not being ensnared in the trap. It can be releasing yourself from walking on eggshells in fear of triggering an attack and reducing the energy you spend mentally rehearsing how you will defend yourself against their accusations. It can be preparing your mind and body for attacks by writing down the predictable phrases they use – the ones that hit you in your most vulnerable spots – so that you can better detach when it happens.

You can exercise your right to not respond to manipulative or threatening communication and instead explore what YOU need in those moments. Can you show up for yourself with care and compassion? Can you text a friend? (I understand that you do not want to burden people, but consider that perhaps they want to be there for you.) Take a walk? Pet your dog? Listen to loud music? Process with a therapist?

You can work on a strategic approach with a skilled lawyer. Because people with narcissistic tendencies disrupt and derail the legal process, do your best within your budget to find an attorney with specialized expertise who can manage these disruptions. Ask them to explain your legal rights. Keep a journal and follow their advice on what to document.

Mentally prepare yourself for an extended roller-coaster ride of a divorce, taking one step at a time and keeping your eye on the long game. Use your power to keep working on disentangling from your ex’s threat patterns and living your own life as fully as possible. And I’ll say it again, I’m sorry you’re going through this and you’re not alone.

Danielle B. Grossman, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, has worked with clients in the Truckee/Tahoe community for 20 years. She helps individuals and couples with their relationships, anxiety, grief, and struggles with food and addiction. Reach out at truckeecounseling@gmail.com or learn more at truckeecounseling.com.